Against All Odds
“You need more help than anyone here.” “I wish the heroin would do you in already.” “She’ll never make it.” -Actual things people said about me
For all intents and purposes, I had a picture perfect childhood. I had two parents that loved me, a comfortable home, and family vacations to Florida every summer. I loved animals, reading, and hanging out with my two older sisters. No one would have guessed that by age 13, I’d take the first steps down the long road of addiction.
Maybe it was all the teenage girl hormones or the fact that I never really “fit in,” but for some reason I was drawn to the excitement of making the wrong choices. At 13, I was suspended from school for drinking alcohol. At 14, my first police encounter, as I was suspended for bringing weed to school (you’d think I’d have learned, right?). By 17, I earned my first legal charge, a DUI after crashing my car drunk. And at 19, I was introduced to my true downfall; heroin.
My love for the drug progressed quickly and after only a month, I upgraded to needles and began experiencing withdrawal when I wasn’t using. Just like that, stopping was no longer an option and the dominoes of consequences began to fall. By the end of my addiction, I could only go an hour or two before symptoms of withdrawal would begin. I would do a shot before bed and wake up sick, before the sun.
A habit like that gets expensive fast and I quickly sold everything I owned. I sold everything everybody else owned. If I spoke to you, it was to take something from you. I was in the game all day, every day. I hated what I was doing, but I didn’t have a choice.
I lost jobs, damaged friendships beyond repair, ran my credit into the ground with bad checks and repossession, and betrayed my family repeatedly. I had turned into a soulless shell of a person, with no regard for anything but myself.
Over the next several years, I was arrested 7 times, went to 4 treatment centers, one hospitalized detox, 4-5 suboxone doctors, and a methadone clinic. I always went back. I had accepted that there was no out for me. I knew I’d likely die of an overdose eventually and I was okay with that. In fact, I’d rather it happen sooner than later because I was miserable. Besides, I had made a mess so disastrous, there was no coming back.
On December 23, 2013 I was on the run from arrest warrants. I had been to the city to get heroin 3 times that day, before returning home for one night of comfortable sleep and a shower. As I prepared to lie down for the night, there was a knock on the door. I knew that type of knock too well. Within a minute, police surrounded me, weapons drawn. I put on my whites and braced myself for the hell that was coming for me.
I spent 2 days in a cold, concrete room (the drunk tank) before being transported to a smaller concrete room (isolation). For the next two weeks, I detoxed cold turkey from one of my hardest runs yet in an isolation cell with no access to a shower. “Craft,” the guards would yell, “Are you still alive?” I’d give a thumbs up and they’d walk away.
It was my second probation violation and I was sentenced to Indiana Women’s Prison and then a halfway house for treatment. During my stay in the halfway house, I became pregnant with my first child. An event that most assumed to be disastrous.
I bonded with the baby in my belly quickly though, and I promised him that I would turn things around. I promised my baby that he would never know that side of me. It’s been 7 years since I made that promise, and he never has.
After my sentence, I returned home with about a year clean. I immediately enrolled at a local community college and got a job as a waitress. For 8 years, I worked my ass off as a single mother. I worked two jobs, shitty jobs, and completed school at night, after putting my son to bed.
Eventually, I got us an apartment. A few years later my first house, and then my second house. I earned my Associate’s degree, then my Bachelor of Psychology, and am now a mere few months from my Master of Social Work degree. My felonies have been expunged and I have worked in the mental health field for the past 5 years, slowly moving up in my career until I was blessed with a good job working from home. I have certifications in substance use, crisis counseling, recovery coaching, nutrition, and holistic healing. Today, I wake in a comfortable home that I own, with 3 baby boys depending on me. Each and every day, I come through for them.
I don’t share this story to earn your praise or attention. I share this story because there was once a time that I sat on a dirty gas station bathroom floor, hoping my shot would be my last. I watched television sitcoms with envy, wishing I could be normal like those people, instead of waking up sick and chained to the game.
Today, I wake up normal and I can honestly say that I love the life I’ve made. If you are still tied to the game and wishing for normal, please hear me when I tell you that you can have it. Trust me, if I can do this, you can too.
My goal now is to help people find their way out of their hell. I share in my recovery coaching the processes that I used to achieve long-term recovery, along with the science of addiction and mental health obtained from my 6 years of college education.
You can also follow my blog and Insta to learn more about my story and how to maintain your own recovery!
Until next time…